The Final Parody
by Cyram
Summary: Parody of the entirety of Final Fantasy VII... Cloud has emo issues. Tifa wants her way with him. Aeris is a tramp. Barret's a big scary black dude with a gunarm. Vincent's a pedophile... And oh, jeez for Yuffie and Red XIII...
1. Pink Girl in a Stripper Mall

**Well look at this! I've decided to disgrace all those Final Fantasy fans (including myself) by writing a parody of the whole game of Final Fantasy VII (7 for all you people who can't read roman numerals for crap) anyway, I'm going to have a bit of fun with this story, so you know... so don't mind me and I so so so hope you enjoy!**

Rated PG-13 for Cursing, lewdness, FF insulting even though I'm a fan, myself... and.. And... STUFF!Don't take anything said seriously, okay?

---------------------------------------Chapter One: Pink Girl in a Stripper Mall---------------------------------------------- 

It was a peaceful night on the ever-peaceful floating... thing... Anyway! Up in the sky was the ever-so great looking pixely looking stars! Aren't they so peaceful looking?

Anyway, here is the Aeris... or was it Aerith? Know what? Let's just call her Flower Girl like they do in the beginning. YES! She seemed to be staring at a green spark of... stuff... coming out of... something? She walks down the alleyway and stops in the middle of the street holding her basket of flowers. She was hit by car and sent flying into the air.

"You jackass!" She yelled. Wait... Flower Girl isn't allowed to yell... Flower Girl never gets mad.. So let's forget that whole thing happened.

Anyway, let's focus off the little pink twat for now, and let's go see where this train is going... Oh, let's not forget the nice logo of _Final Fantasy VII_.. I never really got the point of showing the title of the game IN the game... I mean... you bought the game, didn't you? You should know damn well what you're playing unless you're some ADD induced dumb-ass (like myself).

The train stops into a station and people get onto the platform. A guard dressed in red attacks one of them and the flips him over his head and into the stationed train. Another guard attacks another of the people getting off the train and this person retaliates by raising their leg out in the air in front of them and the guard runs into it and knocks himself out... (There's nothing to make fun of, here... this actually happened.) Then, a big scary black dude with a gun-arm steps off of the train.

"C'mon, Newcomer. Follow me." The big scary black dude with the gun-arm says.

A spikey-haired blond in a kick-ass light-purple suit with a red karate belt jumps off the top of the train. See, people? This isn't why Cloud is considered 'Emo' by many people... he wears light-purple clothing. Wait... we don't know his name yet... I mean.. Ex-Soldier.. There! Happy?

Anyway, the big scary black dude with the gun-arm took off running down the station and took a left with Cloud... er... Ex-Soldier close behind. Well... These two blue soldiers ran right past mister big scary black dude with the gun-arm and decided to attack Ex-Soldier... Damn racists... Against Ex-Soldier's hair, anyway.

So Ex-Solder kicked the shit out of them because he only takes 4 damage to bullets! Ummm.. Er. I don't mean 4 damage.. I mean.. Well... there's no excuse for that, sorry. Anyway, Squall... I mean CLOUD... I mean.. EX-SOLDIER! Damn it, it's going to be Cloud from now on. Anyway! Cloud wins a potion from the battle... and before he leaves he strips the two unconscious guards for more potions.

Anyway, so Cloud comes across a few random guards and dispatches them... why is he the only one fighting them? Anyway, he stumbles across the AVALANCHE people (yes, it IS so important it has to be in all caps...?) Where the guy now known as "Biggs" begins blabbering away...

"WOW! You used to be SOLDIER all right! ...Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE." (Two things... What's with the random capitalized words... and... I doubt there's any other 'SOLDIER' people that have ever been in AVALANCHE... so this guy's dumb.. But let's not tell him that.)

The guy now known as Jessie, says: "SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?" (Money! And potion stealing... of course)

This Biggs dude interrupts with: "Hold it Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us. Didn't catch your name…"

"Cloud" (FINALLY I won't be patronized for calling him Cloud... I like Cloud... his name reminds me of clouds.)

"Cloud, eh? I'm…" (Friggen Canadians...)

"I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over... I'm outta here." (Kinky... he sounds fresh)

Yawn... Jabber jabber jabber jabber... TIME TO MESS WITH THINGS! YES!

Big scary black dude with gun-arm walks in, "The hell you're doin'!? I thought I told you never to

move in a group! Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge

in front of it." (They wanted groupies)

Oh, look... Big scary black dude with a gun-arm now has a name... It's... Barret... AWESOME!? No... It's not.

Anyway, gate opens... Big scary... I mean... Barret dude looks at Cloud ever-so intently... "EX-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!"

Cloud decides to have a random ADD moment and stare up at the top of the Make-oh.. I mean Mako reactor for about ten minutes.

Barret starts wondering to Cloud whether or not if this is his first time in a Mako reactor... Which is answered with a subtle "No" but let's no forget the little comment of "No. After all, I did work for Shinra, y'know." To insert that little "Durrrr" moment onto Barret... (OH GOD HE SOUNDS LIKE THAT ONE GUY FROM FINAL FANTASY 8!!!)

"The planet's full of " blah blah blah... Cloud tuned out Barret since he's started mumble about "sucking the life out of the planet" and all that stuff worthy of "blah blah".

Cloud rushes him on, before Barret breaks him off with something about Cloud now having to come with him from now on... So how does this little thing go? Not like any normal thing... but Barret instead goes inside Cloud... . . .. ...

Anyway... After about five minutes Cloud steps inside and elevator and Biggs runs inside and tells him to push a button on a wall... The little one with a down arrow... But... Cloud doesn't know which one to do... so after about five minutes of staring up at the wall he steps on his tippy toes and presses the little down button on the wall.

At this keen point Barret decides to finally take himself out of Cloud and start blabbering again... (People shouldn't talk when they're doing that sort of thing with each other... it's annoying)

He starts blabbing about the reactor again... Oh God...

"I don't care." Says Cloud... GOOD FOR YOU, CLOUD!!! TELL THE BIG SCARY BARRET OFF!

Barret yells at him again, and Cloud tells him he just wants to hurry and finish the job before the robo-thingies come... The robo-what, now?

Barret gets mad and gets a forced entry inside Cloud... So Cloud works himself down a little set of Ladders after being told he had to push some button on a controller to go down them... He just looked at the person oddly and jumped down the ladders... HEY! Is that a dildo!? Oh, no.. it's a save point... But they sure don't know that...

Cloud walks up to it and looks at it oddly.

"What's this?" He asks to the person hiding himself inside him... Barret decides to unhappily take himself out of Cloud again...

"This is one of those, er... things... they save your state of consciousness and whatever the $& that means." Symbolic curses! UH OH!

"I don't care," Says Cloud... so Barret happily puts himself back in Cloud and Cloud decides to stand on the thing for a moment.

–End Chapter–

**Well... I can imagine it was crappy... but I didn't want to mess with the story too too much, yet... Since it IS just the beginning of the game and this thing is going to span the entire game... See all that writing? That's just for FIVE minutes of game play... It's going to get easier to write down the line, though... And a LOT funner to read, too... I can promise you that... This beginning part is difficult to right... And I did not intend on hurting any Canadians' feelings from writing this... You guys rock, okay? So... if you liked it, review! If you thought it sucked, review as well! I like knowing when things suck... Especially when it's from me. Sorry for the short chapter... it's four in the morning.**


	2. Flowers are Supposed to Smell Pretty

**Wow... I got reviews! Just two... but still!!!!!!! It's reviews! So I feel like updating now... prepare for awkwardness... I won't use brackets anymore, by request... so I don't confuse anyone. (Unless I REALLY needs to use brackets)**

**Enjoy!**

---**Chapter Two: Flowers are Supposed to Smell Pretty!**--- 

So Barret and Cloud were walking... I mean Cloud, just Cloud; Barret was hidden away _inside _Cloud. So they walked up the reactor core. Running in, Cloud tripped over a small blue glass-like ball lying on the floor...

"Damn Materia..." He stuffed it in his infinitely large pocket.

"When we blow this place, it ain't gonna be nothin' more than a hunka junk... with raspberry pudding served overtop of it."

"What are you talking about?" Cloud asked, confused

"Err... nothing..." He talks to himself in a low voice, "Mmmm raspberries..."

Cloud looked at him oddly. Barret failed in the 'talking in a low voice to himself' area...

"Cloud, you set the bomb!... So I can go get my raspberry pudding, I mean... so I can watch over you and make sure you don't try anything funny!"

"Fine!" Cloud sliced his arm through the air, "I'll do it, then... Stay outta my way." So he worked through the mechanics of this so-called 'bomb'... If I could see it I would be able to describe to you what he's doing... But it's invisible! An invisible bomb! Woo!

Cloud suddenly floated in the air about an inch off the ground, arms and legs spread out...

"_Watch out! This isn't just a reactor... It's also a sex doll factory, and you'll make a lot of old people mad if you blow it up!"_ Cloud wondered what just went on but decided it'd be best to finish setting the invisible bomb since Barret was too busy doing something off in a corner.

"There! It's all set! Now let's hurry up and get out of here so I can get my money."

Barret got up, a light red trickle of something running down his chin, "Huh? Yea', sure."

A noise was heard from up above and then a giant mechanical scorpion jumped from up above... somewhere...

"Look out! It's coming!" Barret screamed out, more red fluid issuing from his mouth and when he stared up with his mouth wide open,combined with his funky haircut, and red drool down his chin; he looked like he belonged in a home for 'special' people. Very special.

The thing landed right in front of them, as the ground in front of them somehow distorted itself in some way so the robo-scorpion could actually fit. Can you say plot hole? Or terra-forming, hey, that works; too.

"What the ( insert random symbols to pretend he isn't cursing and uping the rating to mature) is that!?" Barret screamed out, little bits of raspberries flying out of his mouth "It looks like a giant spider with an antenna on it's $ ( Money. Yes, money)!" Yes, I did have to go and use little symbols for his cursing...

"It's called a Scorpion..."

"Scorpion? What's that?"

" It a bug-Nevermind!"

"No! I wanna know, dammit!"

The scorpion thing looked back and forth, person to person.

"I don't care!"

The robo-scorpion put up it's tail.

"Oh, screw this, I'm going after it," Cloud says, slashing it with his sword.

The robo-scorpion FREAKS out and strikes them with lasers, causing them status effects at the same time.

"I can't see, I can't see! Oh, I'm just looking at my hand..." cried Barret, "Don't attack while its tail's up!"

"I can see that."

"Oh, will you shut the ( insert not nice word for love making) up!?"

Cloud just ignored him and they continued to bash away at the thing until it died. Soon afterward, a twenty minute countdown started...

"What the hell is wrong with my eye! There's a timer stuck in my eye!"

"Ah, don't worry about it, let's get the hell out of here!" And then he was lost inside Cloud... munching away at his prized raspberries.

Cloud quickly ran out of the room to see the 'save point'... Cloud pointed a finger at it and then said, "Dildo," before poking it with his finger and then moving on up the place coming across ladders, and then finding Jessie with his foot stuck in a grating. Cloud walked over and helped their foot out of the railing and then Jessie's shirt came un-done. In shock, Cloud screamed out, "You're a girl!!!!?" before running away blushing.

"Err... Thanks?" Jessie said to HERself, redoing her shirt.

Cloud and Barret made their way to the elevator. Cloud got on tip-toes and pressed the down button... Yet miraculously the elevator went up again.

Once the elevator got all the way up, they all quickly made their way out of them... oh, and I forgot to mention the piggly little fat dude. So there, I added him in there. They all ran into a room and then the Reactor went BOOOOOOOM!!!! Some old people shed some tears... and now we take a trip over to a special place... belonging to a very special Don Corneo!!!

---**Don Corneo's Mansion**--- 

"Sir!" A man in blue screamed, running up to Don Corneo.

"Yes?" The man muggly replied.

"The Reactor has just been blown up!!!"

"What!!!!!!?" He screamed, the man grabbed onto his chest, "How did it happen!? Who did it!"

"I'm not... entirely sure..."

"WHAT!!!!!?" The man grabbed the man in blue by his collar; the mans helmet falling off to reveal shoulder-length silver hair, "How dare you not know!" And he flung the man out of the window onto the streets.

The man landed flat on his left shoulder, popping it out of the socket. "Jack-ass... That's the last time I ever work for an old fat man... I wonder if Shinra is hiring!?"

---**Back on track**--- 

Cloud tripped over a small lady wearing all pink. She looked as if she'd just been hit by a car...yet she seemed oddly unphased by it. Of course, Cloud coming into her presence seemed to wake her up from her coma-like blank stare.

"Hey! What's going on!? Oh! Do you want to buy a flower!? They're only a gil!"

Cloud didn't know which question to answer... but those flowers sure were pretty. So he bought all of them off of her and stole the basket, too.

"Thanks! I can use this for my bread!"

Aeris/Aerith/Flower-Lady-HOW MANY 'EFFIN NAMES DOES SHE HAVE!?- seemed to be too interested in the shiny gold gil in her hand to care that someone just ran off with her precious basket.

Cloud ran into a few guards and ended up pocketing the flowers in his special place and whipped out his sword (not THAT special place, you perv. I just meant the place where he limitlessly stores items.) And dispatched a few guards. He dropped the basket on the way and some old man who looked to be on the verge of death picked it up and scurried off.

"I'LL FIGHT YOU ALL FOR THE 'EFFIN EXPERIENCE!" The soldiers looked baffled by Cloud's response. He sliced them all to bits with his gigantic thing that looked like it'd hurt.

But he was soon cornered in the middle of a bridge overlooking the train tracks.

"Oh! Is that a piece of Oreo fluff?" Cloud asked, looking at a small white thing on the ground. So he picked it up and popped it in his mouth screamed 'the three second rule'. "Nope! It's ecstacy! No harm done, then." In his new doped up state he fell off the bridge and landed on top of the train.

---**Inside the train**--- 

"Cloud never came..." Wedge exclaimed sadly... (It didn't seem like Barret gave him much of a chance)

"Do you think he died?"

"NO! Don't say that! Cloud wouldn't let anyone take him down that easily..."

Biggs was in the back hiding behind a box shaking rather rapidly.

The train doors flew open and Cloud hung from the railing above the door and screamed, with pride, "Look! I'm a monkey!"

"Cloud!!!!" Everybody yelled, looking at him... except for Biggs... he was the only one looking down.

"Cloud! Don't you ever worry us like that again!" Barret yelled, his eyes shiny. "Everyone follow me!" Barret hopped over a few boxes and quickly ran into another cart of the train. People soon ran out screaming something about a 'big scary black man with a gun-arm'...

Biggs walked up to cloud, "Cloud... you were great back _there_." He then jumped into the next cart. Wedge (the fat dude) hobbled his way over to the next cart with a popsicle hanging out of his mouth.

"Wow! I should close this..." Jessie then closed the train car door and walked up to Cloud. "Thanks for helping me back there... listen... if you ever need anything just ask me, alright?" She then gave him a wink and moved to the next car.

"Woah," Cloud said, watching everything fly around in colors, "This is funky." He then stumbled his way over to the next cart like a ragged drunk.

He landed on a seat with an old man laying on it. The old man wrapped his arm around the lower half of Cloud and spoke: "This is my house, so stay as long as you like." The old man then winked at him.

"Well, thanks." Cloud said dully, rocking back and forth in the seat. Jessie then dragged Cloud out of his seat over to a terminal making the dirty old man very sad.

"This is a map of midgar!" She said in a squeaky voice, "This map is a 1/10000 scale and... something... anyway... YEAH! This is the map! So there!" Conversations then went on about floating city, Cloud being FULL of surprises, and ID checks and stuff...

An intercom came on, "Listen, Folks. We're coming up on our destination, now. Also, if anyone sees a blue pill that bounced back there, please return it to me. Just come to the head of the car and make sure to KNOCK first. Thank you, that is all."

Lights above started flashing red... "Here's the ID check now," Jessie said... And then the lights went black.

"NO!! THEY'RE COMING TO RAPE ME!!!" Yelled a voice before the lights came back on to show Cloud all crunched up into a ball before he noticed everyone was staring at him. "What?" He asked, standing up, "Any idea who was screaming? What a loser, I say."

The train then came to a sudden halt and everyone got off. Then Barret started yelling something about their mission being complete and to not get cocky and to all meet back up at the bar... Cloud wasn't really paying attention, though. He was too busy being all doped up and what-not.

So Cloud wandered into a random couple smooching under a lamp post with the guy wondering if they could go someplace out-of-sight and the girl being completely oblivious to what the hell he was talking about. So Cloud decided that it'd be best if he just... bothered the crap out of them.

So he stumbled into the group and clung onto the guy in the situation and Cloud took a nice look at his worker ID...

"So hey there, sexy!" He practically put all of his weight onto the guy.

"Who is _this!" _The girl screamed out.

"I have no idea!" Yelled back the dude.

"Oh, Jonathan. You certainly know who I am.. I mean, we _have_ had so much fun, before." Cloud rubbed his cheek against the mans face, "And I was just wanting your company, again."

"That's it! I'm leaving!" The girl screamed. Then she looked over at Cloud, "I hope you two have fun!"

"Oh, we will. Besides, he'll just find another girlfriend again, like last time. The last one had bigger boobs from what I remember." The girl got angry and walked away.

"Honey! Wait!" He screamed toward her and then looked at Cloud, still rubbing onto him. "Thanks a lot, asshole." He said before letting Cloud drop to the ground with the kind of sound that Jell-o makes (The see-through kind) when you take a freshly refrigerated Jell-o cake and you throw it on the ground, and then ran after his girlfriend.

Cloud sat there... laughing and laughing and laughing before passing out on the ground.

---One Hour Later---

Cloud woke up... with a kind of 'hangover' type thing going on... and then decided to wander to the bar. After he decided to say hello to everyone he could, anyway.

So he came upon another 'save point' which had a guy standing in the corner looking like he was going to the bathroom. Cloud walked up to the save point, "Double penetration..." He said, before poking the save point and walking over to the guy and putting his hand on his shoulder. The guy jumped up and the sound of rushing water was heard on the ground.

"Oh! Hi! Looking at this tower, over here? It's huge, isn't it?" The guy asked as he looked up and Cloud looked down.

"Not at all, actually." Before Cloud noticed the guy was looking up and looked up himself to see the giant tower. "Oh! Yeah, I guess."

Then Cloud walked away before wandering into the town.

"Would you like some fish?" An old lady asked him, walking up to him with a plate full of smoked salmon that had an INCREDIBLY strong fish smell.

"Sure!" Said Cloud, before stealing her plate of fish and walking away, scarfing it all down before tossing the plate to the ground.

He saw a three-leveled house type thing and decided to see what it was. He walked up to a little kid who looked up at him with puppy-dog eyes. "Hey, Mister! If you need to sleep you can sleep upstairs cause you have mortal wounds and internal bleeding that will magically heal via sleep if you pay a little!" Cloud didn't give him a single gil... "Cheap ass! Get out of here!"

So he did just that, and after some time, he found this guy trying to explain something to him. I think it might of being the guy by the tower, actually.

"See this?" A hand pointing a single finger appeared above Cloud's head.

"What the hell is THAT!?" Cloud screamed out.

"Oh, I'm just to show you places you can go, red arrows means it's a door, and green ones means it's a ladder." The hand said.

"It talks!? What the hell about arrows now!?"

Some time later Cloud found out he can make it go away. So he did 'cause it was a scary hand. An EVIL hand... Let's call it George, shall we? Anyway, Cloud made his way to a house next to the bar only to have the door slammed in his face. So he cheerily skulked over to the bar and went inside.

"There you are, Cloud!!!" Breasts.. I mean.. Tifa screamed, flipping over the bar and running up to Cloud. "Where were you? We were getting---- WHAT THE $&# IS THAT SMELL!?" She then noticed Cloud was the one giving out the smell. "What were you doing, Cloud!?"

"Eating." He said, innocently.

"I bet you were— OH ARE THOSE FLOWERS FOR ME!?" She screamed; stealing the flowers from Cloud's special place.

"No!" He screamed. Stealing them back. "They're for me!!!"

"Guys shouldn't have flowers..." She said, pouting.

"Oh fine, then." Cloud exclaimed. Tifa's face overjoyed, "Here, Marlene." He said, handing her all the flowers. Tifa disappointedly making her way back behind the bar.

Marlene took a nice whiff of the flowers and practically gagged. "I thought flowers were supposed to smell pretty..." She said, throwing the flowers on the ground and stomping on them with her foot. With Tifa sneakingly picking a few up to where no one could see her and stuffed them in her bra...

Jessie snuck up next to Cloud's ear, "I saw you hugging on that guy back at the train station. Don't worry, I let you two have your privacy and I left. I'll keep your secret." She said, giggling.

Biggs went over and picked up a flower head and smelled it. "BLEHCK! This smells like CROTCH! Who the hell did you buy these from, Cloud?"

"Hmm? Oh, off some tramp by the train tracks, I think."

Suddenly it all made sense to Tifa. The flowers, the crotch, the smell. Oh, was she pissed... but she was going to get him whether he knew about it or not. She put on an evil faced and slowly chuckled to herself about her plan.

"Tifa! Get this boy a drink, pronto!" Jessie yelled over to her.

Good, good... Her plan was going to work out perfectly. She quickly poured him some liquor and mixed in a little something to go with it. "Here you go Cloud," She said, plopping it on the counter in front of him; a little splashing out. He reached for it to take a drink, "No wait! No drinking until after the meeting, okay?"

"Fine!"

Barret then came in and picked up Marlene and took her downstairs. Riding on the good ol' fashioned pinball machine elevator... I'll just call it 'pinavator' from now on.

About an hour later the meeting was done. Cloud and Tifa had their little recollection and Cloud got paid for his services. (Not _those_ services, you perv. Cloud does that for free)

"Here, Cloud. Have you drink, now." Tifa said, cackling as he sipped the whole thing down. Then he passed out and Tifa dragged his body downstairs. I'll let your imagination run wild for this one...

—**End Chapter**— 

**There! What'd you think? Personally I think I did a **_**much**_** better job than my chapter before this! Tell me what you think! Okay!? Oh, and about the silver-haired guy in Don Corneo's place, don't worry. I'm not adding any new characters to the Final Fantasy VII Universe.  
**


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